It is Google‘s twelve birthday today. But before you cheer too loudly a word of warning that means that next year the world’s leading search engine with be a teenager and we all know what they are like.

So here are the top 10 things you won’t be able to ask Google in 365 days time.

10. Restaurants – Unless it has a drive through, a bucket of chicken, or a golden arch you’ll not find it. The fast food van outside the school will get 3 Michelin stars whereas the Fat Duck will be just ‘Bleugh!’
9. Medical advice – You’ll only get the really disgusting stuff, if you looking up how to cure a common cold you’ll not find it.
8. Clothes – Will return you things you ‘wouldn’t leave the house wearing that!’ at least that is what you’d be thinking.
7. Gay – will just return anything uncool
6. Politics – BOOOORING!
5. Drink – Alcopops, Strong Cider or Buckfast. Hard luck all you wine, whisk(e)y or real ale connoisseurs
4. Education – Meh!
3. News – Very few teenagers when asked about the news will give you the latest goings on outside of X-Factor, Britain’s Got Talent or whats in Heat or Zoo. So move over Paxman it’ll all be Perez Hilton.
2. Directions – Teenagers have great fun in misdirecting motorists. Therefore Google maps will soon be inoperative.
1. Sex – Like a typical teenager it will run off in embarrassment if you are older than it. If you are fellow teen you will get misinformation or boosting of knowing more than it actually does. Therefore porn will not be searchable, unless you take your laptop under the duvet.

Now on the 27 September next year don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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